Individuality with Identicals

For any child, navigating individuality can be confusing. While the world is telling you who you should be, what you should (and shouldn't) like, who you should hang out with, how you should dress, talk, move, and play, it isn’t always easy to differentiate between what you genuinely want for yourself, and what the world has pressed upon you. 

This challenge can be even more difficult for multiples – especially identical ones.

We’ve all seen it before, from the Parent Trap, the Bluey triplets, to Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, there’s an age-old trope that identical twins and triplets are indeed identical in their likes, wants and needs. Perhaps multiples are differentiated by a favourite colour or a signature hair style, but these differences are often attributed to them by parents, grandparents, teachers, friends.

While there is an obvious reason for this (pigtails may be the only way for classmates or newcomers to tell them apart!), these differences are given to them, not chosen. It can be hard for multiples to form their own unique identities beyond the ones attributed to them as they’ve grown up next to their identical sibling or siblings. 

At younger ages, your multiples may really enjoy the similarities they share with each other. They may love their shared looks, their ‘same-same but different’ toys on Christmas, even the shared birthday cards. Any joy gleaned from their multiples-ness should be wholly celebrated. 

However as your multiples grow, they will inevitably be exposed to different experiences and environments that will shape them in ways unique from one another. As with everyone, new experiences evoke new feelings and may propel you in different directions and towards new interests. This is where individuality starts to blossom. This is also where internal conflict can start to grow. 

For current or prospective parents navigating individuality with identical multiples, we recommend the following:

• Don’t amalgamate for convenience – while it may be much simpler to have your multiples enrolled in the same extracurriculars, try and make time for your children to be able to explore what they truly are interested in. 

• Don’t compare your multiples – using someone as a measuring stick for another is never a good idea, especially if you’re wanting to encourage individuality and uniqueness. Make it clear that your child’s value is in being themselves, not anyone else.

• Allow and encourage self-expression and authenticity – expressing yourself how you please is one of the most enriching parts of life, so give this gift to your multiples!

• Don’t let people see them as a unit – kindly encourage people (family, friends etc) to treat your multiples as individuals, not the same person. Use their names, not ‘the twins’ or ‘the triplets’.