Gentle-ish Parenting: My Real-Life Version

I'm no parenting expert, but I wanted to share some thoughts and experiences as I raise twins and grow alongside them. As a mum to five-year-old boy-girl twins, some days it feels like I’ve been parenting forever, other days, like I’m still completely new to all this!

Parenting multiples can feel like being constantly outnumbered, out-tantrumed, and out of snacks. In the middle of all that chaos, gentle parenting might sound like a lovely idea… for people with more time, more patience, or just fewer children.

But with a bit of research, some personal growth, but mostly many hours scrolling parenting accounts on Instagram, my husband and I found our way to our own version of respectful, positive parenting that actually works for us.

Respectful parenting is about:

• Setting clear, kind boundaries

• Responding to big emotions with empathy

• Focusing on connection and respect instead of punishment

It’s not about letting your kids run wild or getting everything they want, it’s about guiding them through tough moments with them, not trying to control them.

Adele Faber is quoted to have said, "When someone is drowning, that is not the time to teach them how to swim". I love this and think it's such a great approach to apply to children whenever their behaviour is testing me.

How we make this work for us:

Mostly, we just aim to treat our kids how we'd want to be treated. I don’t learn well when someone yells at me, so I try to remember that when I'm being driven up the wall. I still say no; I still have rules. But when my kids feel safe and listened to, they’re more likely to listen too.

I mess this up all the time, but every time I manage to pause, take a breath, and respond with empathy, I move closer towards working together with my kids instead of against them. The world is full of expectations, pressure and judgement. I want home to be the place where my kids feel safe to melt down, make mistakes, and be themselves without fear. That doesn’t mean I’m always calm and loving, it just means I come back, I repair, I say sorry, and I keep trying.

Real-life tactics that help (most days):

• Prevention is powerful: I try to notice the warning signs - hunger, tiredness, over-stimulation - and act early. Sometimes a snack fixes everything, and this applies to me too!

• Repair matters: Getting it right all the time isn't the important bit, it's coming back after and saying sorry

• One-on-one time: With multiples it's hard to get time alone with each child, but when I do, even for five minutes, it makes a huge difference in their behaviour. That little dose of connection helps fill their cups (and mine)

What I’ve learned so far, five years in:

• Parenting isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being present. Some days I get it right, some days I don’t. But showing up with love matters more than having all the answers

• The calm I try to model is slowly becoming the calm they carry. Hearing my kids respectfully handle conflict or comfort a friend using words I’ve said to them - those are the moments that remind me it’s worth all the deep breaths and co-regulation

• The biggest shift hasn’t been in them, but in me. I’ve grown so much trying to become the kind of person I hope they grow into. I’m not there yet, but learning to be patient with myself helps me be more patient with them, too

Parenting multiples isn’t gentle, and it definitely isn’t easy. I’m still learning every day, still getting it wrong sometimes, but I’m also seeing the ripple effects of showing up with empathy and intention. If you're figuring this out too - snacks in one hand, deep breaths in the other - you’re not alone. We're all just doing our best, one tantrum (or twin meltdown) at a time.