Growing Together, Not Against Each Other

At the core of competitiveness lies comparison. For multiples, this comparison runs deep. It is hard not to feel competitive when your identity is bound to someone else’s, and the only way to differentiate yourself without rocking the boat is to be ‘better’.

It is commonplace to assume that competitiveness is an inbuilt, unavoidable feature of multiples, but this is not a cosmic truth written in the stars, nor is it something we should blindly accept. If left unchecked, the competitiveness of childhood can seep through into adulthood and leave painful scars. However, the good news is that there are many ways to circumvent the pointy end of comparison which tends to lead to competition. 

Jovial sibling rivalry is one thing, but competition for attention, praise and uniqueness is another. In many instances, competition derives out of a need to prove self-worth. But we can avoid this by never putting it in question, and showing that self-worth is never found through your outperformance of a loved one.

This can be as simple as:

• Celebrating successes in your own personal relationships, and letting your children see that your friend’s accomplishments do not diminish your own.

• Awarding effort, not outcomes. Whether this be grades, match results or anything in between, emphasise the effort that was put in, not the outcome. This shows children that their worth is not in their accolades, but their curiosity, hard work, and persistence. 

• Giving equal weight to different skillsets. Don’t project your biases onto your children's hobbies. There’s not just one way to succeed, and not one discipline that deserves more praise than another. Rocket science and knitting are both valuable and worthy ways to spend time, so don’t go pretending that one is better than another!

• Fostering individuality. It’s hard to feel competitive when you’re playing in a league of your own. But when the world is telling you that you're sharing this league with your sibling, ‘individuality’ is sought through outperformance. Comparing multiples is a false equivalence, and should be avoided at all costs.